Heaviest Element Known to Science

Got this from my Father-in-Law, and I couldn't agree more:

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the
heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron,
25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant
deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called
morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of
lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert;
however, it can be detected, because it impedes every
reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of
Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take
less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to
complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It
does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in
which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy
neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually
increase over time, since each reorganization will cause
more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some
scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever
morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical
quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes
Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy
as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice
as many morons.